Sexual Intimacy and Fulfillment for the Disabled

     All human beings are sexual creatures. We long for the feelings of intimacy and love.  Many believe that once you are disabled you are no longer   capable of having a sexual relationship or satisfying your partner. These negative stereotypes hurt the disabled, and there may be difficulty finding a partner who accepts your disabilities.

     Whether your disability is from birth, accident or illness, you may have the same fears: Am I attractive? Desirable? How can I have a sexual relationship with someone if I am disabled? Will someone still love me even though I am disabled? Many times our healthcare professionals are still uncomfortable talking about sex. The disabled person must take the initiative and discuss this with their health care providers.

     To help find sexual intimacy in a relationship, you have to begin with yourself. It maybe a difficulty journey but at the end it will be rewarding for you.
Begin to accept yourself: Reject guilt feelings about the cause of your disability, Accept the disability, remember  that you are a person with  many things to offer to a partner and to society. (As with people who do not have a disability.)

     Stop thinking horrible thoughts; all the what if's.  Embarrassing moments can happen to anyone during sexually intimate moments. If it  is difficult to  maneuver or you  have to ask someone for help, relax. It happens to everyone, and life goes on.
Love yourself: Treat yourself as you would treat someone you really love. It is time to start loving yourself. When you love yourself you will find it easier to find a relationship with someone who will accept your disability.
Praise your self: We all need someone telling us that we have done a good job; that we are smart, attractive. We should be our best fan club. Associate with those who feel the same way about you.

     Sense of humor: As with anything in life one  needs a sense of humor to deal with the most difficult times in one's life. Sometimes if a person is able to laugh it helps them and the people who are around them to feel more comfortable about the situation.

Let's get Intimate:

     Touch: The skin is the largest organ of the body and it is very sensual to the touch. Try gently stroking your partner (one may use a feather or hands) on your partner's erogenous zones (neck, ears, shoulders, back, nipples, thighs, buttocks, hips, sides of the body, hands, wrists and feet). 

     Oral Sex: The mouth is as much a sexual organ as the genitals and can excite and give pleasure. Some people may find that their lips and tongues are more sensitive to touch and the feeling of warmth than other parts of their bodies. For people with disabilities who cannot physically manage intercourse, or for whom intercourse is too strenuous, oral sex offers an excellent compromise. Oral sex may provide as much satisfaction and sometimes more, than penile-vaginal penetration. 

Cunnilingus: Find a comfortable position for you and your partner. 

    1. The woman lying on her back with her legs drawn up and spread, the man lying between her legs, his arms under her legs, his hands gently supporting her buttocks. A pillow under her buttocks can help keep her in position to stimulate her clitoris and labia.

    2. The man on his back, the woman kneeling over his face with one leg on each side. A pillow under his head can provide more comfort for him.

    3. If the woman is disabled, she may be seated in a wheelchair and her partner may open her legs to get to her clitoris and begin to stimulate her.

     The basic techniques for cunnilingus: Kiss the vaginal area first, see if your partner is comfortable with your lips near her vagina. Then begin by gently stroking the labia minor (lips) from the vagina to the clitoris with the tip of your tongue. The clitoris is the button shaped piece of skin and nerves at the top of the vagina. Circle the clitoris with the tip of your tongue. Flick your tongue lightly back and forth across the tip of the clitoris, then across the shaft. Suck the clitoris by placing your lips on either side of it and gently pulling in. Some women also enjoy having the labia sucked. At the same time you may insert a finger into the vagina to give her greater sensation of touch or to her anus.  One may use a combination of strokes that may vary the pressure and speed in licking, flicking and sucking. Don't use your teeth. 

Never blow air into the vagina. Air bubbles can find their way into the bloodstream and in rare cases, lead to death by embolism.

    Fellatio: Find a comfortable position.  Start by gently caressing his penis and scrotum ( testicle sac). The most sensitive area of the man's penis is the head, particularly the soft underside. Flick the head of the penis quickly with the tip of your tongue. Flick up and down the shaft. Lick in long strokes up the shaft. Using swirling licks round the head of the penis. Stretching your mouth so that is covers both rows of teeth, suck the head of the penis. Add manual stimulation while you are performing fellatio, fondle his testicles ( balls). Or while you are sucking his penis, use hands to stimulate the shaft. 

     Experiment to find out what is best suited for you and your partner. Remember to communicate what you like and dislike about cunnilingus and fellatio.

    Solo play: Many times one's partner may not be able to stimulate their lover. Solo play or masturbation is a great way to stay intimate with your lover and still have a sexual encounter. You may be in bed with your lover and they may hold you  or caress you while you engaging in masturbation. Many times, mutual masturbation is a big turn on!  Sometimes a vibrator may be used. It can add new dimension to sexual enjoyment. If you do not have an intimate partner that you want to share solo play with it is okay to masturbate. There are may mail orders catalogues  to get devices that may enhance your solo play.

    Preparation for love making: Spontaneous sex may not be possible for people with disabilities. But than again, even with people who do not have disabilities there is little spontaneous sex ( i.e. AIDS, every one has to use a condom  ). Cleanness is important for everyone's sexual enjoyment, it is particularly important for those who wear catheters or devices to collect urine. Allow your partner to help you get ready. It is important to communicate to them on what you may need to be washed and how you want to be dressed. Tell them how you want to be position before love making. If your partner  feels uncomfortable, ask an attendant for help or a third party. 

     To the disabled and to their lovers it is important to concentrate on mutual pleasure, trust and patience. Try to adapt your sexual techniques to meet  your partner's needs and yours. Do not compare your sex life with couples who do not have disabilities. Your sex life may be different, but not  your sexuality. All human beings are sexual beings. You and your partner create the rules of what is right for you in your sexual relationship. Be positive about sex, never be afraid of experimentation. Think of sex as another way of communicating with your partner.